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Exclusive—You Read It Here First!

The Bush administration, highly placed sources have revealed exclusively to Tom's Turn, is putting the final touches on one last, sweeping reorganization of the federal environmental bureaucracy. Elements of the plan include:

  • Selling the national parks in order to reduce the national debt and prop up the investment banking system and hedge fund operators. Existing concessionnaires will be given preference, followed by Disney and other theme-park operators. The Saudi royal family, it is said, might take over the national monument in Oklahoma where oil was first discovered.
  • Giving the national forests to the timber industry. Why not sell them? An anonymous administration spokesman said, "We've been selling the trees on the national forests at a loss for decades; why would anyone expect us to ask to turn a profit on those lands now?"
  • Turning management of the Environmental Protection Agency over to the American Chemical Society. The same spokesman: "The chemical industry has been calling the shots at EPA for the past seven years. This move simply eliminates the middle man, saving money for both the taxpayer and the economy."
  • Replacing the Endangered Species List with a Numerous Critters List. "The Endangered Species List is so depressing. We're never going to save those species. The prudent thing is just to let them go, get it over with, and celebrate the species we have enough of to hunt. Like the wolves."
  • Naming coal the national mineral.

Remember, you read it here first.

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